Teething baby, heading for a breakdown and a lazy boyfriend!

Hiyyah Everyone

So Milly is teething so so bad right now it’s unreal! 

I don’t know if it feels worse for me because I am so suicidal and so done that It’s just another thing I have to worry about bu unfortunately can’t do much about!

I hate her being in pain but she has about 6 teeth coming through all at once which im sure is incredibly painful!

Unfortunately we have run out of calpol and ibroprophine which was helping, we are nearly out of bonjella and we have no money to buy anymore! STRESS

I would take the pain from her any day of the week if I could.

Mentally I’m in such a bad place that I just can’t cope with anything else! 

I feel like it’s all on me, everything is down to me.

We are moving in three weeks so I’m going to have to pack up the house whilst trying to stop a one year old pulling everything I have packed back out. MORE STRESS

We have people viewing the house to come rent it when we move into our new house which is incredibly stressfull because trying to keep the house tidy and clean with a one year old is very difficult. EVEN MORE STRESS!

Luckily we are keeping the same landlord and lady but I’m glad because they are very understanding of our situation!
We are in so much debt I don’t even know where to start, what to do, how to even start trying to pay it! So I just feel the debts are all in my name so if I kill myself nobody else will have to worry about them. EVEN MORE STRESS ON TOP

My partner is an amazing dad but he is Lazy. He sleeps until like one in the afternoon. So it’s down to me to get up with milly,give her breakfast,  get her dressed, put her down for a nap, wake my partner up, get milly lunch, get us lunch, change all millys nappys, entertain milly most of the day, do millys tea, bath milly, get her ready for bed (sometimes my partner helps) put her to bed, sort milly when she crys, get up in the night and get her milk or whatever she needs! Then it starts all over again!

Not only that I do the washing, drying, loading and unloading of dishwasher, i make tea most nights, wash millys bottels, put all clothes away!

Basically I do everything. I try tell him I need his help and every time he says yes I will do more or he says I’m trying my best! 

No I’m trying my best! I want to be dead, I don’t want to get out of bed but I do because I have to!

I love the bones of my partner and im scared of loosing him because I love him and I don’t want to be on my own but he is Lazy!

I can’t continue like this for much longer. I feel like a slave sometimes. Once we move and I start to feel better I am going to ask him to help me more than he does!

Because right now I’m falling apart, i have no fight left in me and all this, everything I have wrote is all too much!

Thanks for reading 
Night Xx

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I don’t want to die… but I do

Hiyyah Everyone

So let me explain to you all what I mean!

I was talking to my boyfriend last night laid in bed and I was saying milly dosen’t need me because she has you! 

But he replied if you killed yourself I would probably kill myself so milly wouldn’t have either of us!

So I explained it’s not that I want to die it’s the fact I want everything that goes on in my brain to stop and the only way that will ever happen is to kill myself!

Do you understand what I mean? 

I know people think that it’s selfish but it’s really not because if you could be in my head all day everyday then you might understand why we get to this point!

I’m not saying that today I’m going to kill myself but there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it!

The crisis team have been to see me and they are thinking my medication may need looking at because it may not be doing what it should be!

The lady who came to see me was really nice and because lee is going to be here tomorrow so they are going to come on monday unless I need them tommorow I can just ring and they will come.

Thanks for reading!
Have a good afternoon

Xx 

A child free night at last!

Hiyyah Everyone!

So we have a child free night tonight, actually let me change that we have a baby free night because my partners brother is still here.

I did ask my parents if they would look after him too but funnily enough they said no.

So far since dropping Milly off we have cleaned the entire house (except my partners brother’s current room. He has to keep that clean and tidy) from top to bottom and because Milly wasn’t here I got to use bleach so now it is super clean.

I know how sad that sounds and possibly is but little things make me happy and the best part was I didn’t have to do it all by myself…

My partner actually  helped! (I know you are all shocked) I’m joking… well kind of!
Although we are baby free we are not going out, not spending money that we don’t really have on drinking! 

We are spending a night in together ,watching TV, movies, relaxing  and  enjoying some free time together.

To be honest we are having a well deserved break. We have had an incredibly stressful past few months.. well this past year.

To be just able to sit and talk and spend time with each other for a night without having to worry about the little one.

I mean don’t get me wrong we love having Milly  and we love spending time with her, we love everything about being parents… but it is hard.

But every parent deserves a break.

I am honestly looking forward to a full night sleep… well hopefully if my brain will shut off.

Thanks for reading.

I hope you all enjoy your night.

Xx