Hiyyah Everyone
Well what can I say it’s not going great tbh!
Today my CPN came to see me after two weeks and in the space of two weeks I’ve become so unstable and extremely depressed and suicidal that she has now contacted the crisis team who will be coming to see me tomorrow!
For people who don’t know what this means I had two options either the crisis team come to the house or I am put in hospital and I really don’t want that!
Tbh right now I’m really not in a good place I am having suicidal thoughts daily, i want to self harm actually I just don’t want to be alive anymore!
I feel like a useless mum because I can’t take milly out, i cant take her to baby groups I can’t do anything with her. What kind of a mummy is that.
I honestly feel she would be better without me she has my partner and our families so she doesn’t need a useless mummy!
I mean my mood changes so often it just confuses her and i can’t do anything about it and it’s upsetting.
I want to be the best mummy I can but I let her down the first 12 months of her life and now I’m letting her down again!
She is just stuck in the house most of the day with her crazy mummy and the guilt just eats away at me everyday!
I’m heading towards a breakdown!
We are currently busy we need to pack up the house to move which we are moving to a new house in less than 4 weeks!
Trying to pack up a 3 bedroom house with a one year old pulling out everything thats been packed is so stressful and I haven’t even started packing yet!
Ive been hearing voices but not like when someone is telling you what to do it is more like when one person is talking to you its like a room full of different people are talking to me!
We are in so much debt its unbelievable!
I just can’t cope!
I really don’t want to be here anymore!
On a more positive note I had my hair done today! Totally new style! Ive never had it this short!
Here is a pic xx
Fake smiles everyone x
Thanks for reading
Good night
Xx
just a mummy with mental health problems, writing a blog 
Hannah, Im so sorry you are having such a hard time. I’ve been following your blog as our babies are around the same age. And guess what! I have Borderline Personality Disorder too. MAN IT SUCKS! Its like you are thrown into a tornado everyday. Just wanted to say hang in there, take all of the help you can get and it does get better. As much as our moods are bad we also have the ability to experience joy very deeply. Don’t be worrying about Milly you love her to pieces, she will be fine. Attend to your own oxygen mask first! xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks thats so nice. Its so hard tho isnt it xx
LikeLike
And your hair looks really nice 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You look gorgeous! And your baby is adorable! Hang in there and let me tell you something, I was stuck in the house with my little one for most of his first year. Instead of feeling guilty I thought of it as a blessing. At this age all they need is their mommy. In a few years she will be all grown up and out the door before you know it. So, hold her extra tight and cherish this time together. Also wanted to say, you’re extremely brave for getting help… Take it one day at a time and be gentle on yourself. Keep posting… You are being heard and I’m sure you’re helping others by sharing your journey.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww thank you so much hun xx
LikeLike
Hi. I just wanted to say that you are enough and it will be better. Wishing you all the best from Finland.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you xx
LikeLiked by 1 person