Well what can I say it’s not going great tbh!
Today my CPN came to see me after two weeks and in the space of two weeks I’ve become so unstable and extremely depressed and suicidal that she has now contacted the crisis team who will be coming to see me tomorrow!
For people who don’t know what this means I had two options either the crisis team come to the house or I am put in hospital and I really don’t want that!
Tbh right now I’m really not in a good place I am having suicidal thoughts daily, i want to self harm actually I just don’t want to be alive anymore!
I feel like a useless mum because I can’t take milly out, i cant take her to baby groups I can’t do anything with her. What kind of a mummy is that.
I honestly feel she would be better without me she has my partner and our families so she doesn’t need a useless mummy!
I mean my mood changes so often it just confuses her and i can’t do anything about it and it’s upsetting.
I want to be the best mummy I can but I let her down the first 12 months of her life and now I’m letting her down again!
She is just stuck in the house most of the day with her crazy mummy and the guilt just eats away at me everyday!
I’m heading towards a breakdown!
We are currently busy we need to pack up the house to move which we are moving to a new house in less than 4 weeks!
Trying to pack up a 3 bedroom house with a one year old pulling out everything thats been packed is so stressful and I haven’t even started packing yet!
Ive been hearing voices but not like when someone is telling you what to do it is more like when one person is talking to you its like a room full of different people are talking to me!
We are in so much debt its unbelievable!
I just can’t cope!
I really don’t want to be here anymore!
On a more positive note I had my hair done today! Totally new style! Ive never had it this short!
Here is a pic xx
Fake smiles everyone x
Thanks for reading