1 year anniversary of my Grandad’s death! πŸ˜­πŸ˜­

A year agoToday is the day my world fell apart, when my heart broke into a billion pieces! πŸ’”πŸ’”A year ago today I lost the person who meant the world to me! Who was my world! 

A year ago today I lost My Grandad! 
A year ago today was the worst day, the worst pain I have ever felt and that pain has been with me everyday since. 
In fact today it is worse! Today I am lost! Today I just want to hug you and here your voice! 
I just want you back!
I miss you so much Grandad! I will never ever ever forget you and milly will always know what an amazing and kind hearted man and grandad you was!
The world isn’t the same now you are not in it! 
Miss you more and more everyday 
Xxxx

πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

Thankyou for reading

Good night

Xx

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Well could today get much worse! … probably not!

Hiyyah Everyone

So I am trying to be more active on my blog but I’ve just had a LOT going on!

So today we took milly to a photoshoot as we are signing her with a new agency and I am not going to lie to you all it was a f*cking disaster!!

Milly was her lovely happy self when we arrived and we was pretty organised for us anyway! 

Then it all went to sh*t!

As soon as Milly went into the studio she lost it! She usually loves the camera, loves her photo being taken and loves the attention but this morning she was like a different child!

I think there was quite a lot of factors tho, I think it was a new place, her teeth was hurting (mummy forgot the bonjella), she was tired from the early start and we didn’t take her any milk! 

But we was more organised than usual lol so that says a lot about us dosen’t itπŸ™ˆ we do try really hard!

But that’s not the worst part once we had recoverd from feeling so embarrassed because milly has never been like that before we then received a phone call from one of our bills we have been struggling to pay that we owe over 1K πŸ™ˆ

We can’t pay that! Then they wanted over Β£200 a month and we definitely can’t afford that! So I really don’t know what we are going to do! 

It’s so stressful and no mater how hard we try to get ontop of the bills etc we just get pulled back down into a lot of debt!

We barley eat as it is! We haven’t bought food in for me and my partner in months. We always make sure our baby girl has everything she needs!

My mental health is so bad right now I really dont think I can cope with this! It’s just too much!

Thanks for reading

Any advice would be appreciated!

Good night 

Xx

When you feel so unloved by your blood family!

Hiyyah Everyone

So last Wednesday my mum, dad and Grandma went over to Washington DC to see my brother and his fiance.

Which means I have basically been forgotten about! Which is not unusual when my brother is around (he is the favourite)

Basically my mum has messaged me twice but the second time was only because I messaged them to see if they wanted us to put a bet on for tgem for the grand national!

My mums horse won and once I had told her that I had transferred the winnings I haven’t heard from them. 

Which makes me feel shit!

We are looking after the dogs for them which just triggers my mental illness so badly but we have to because we owe tgem money!

So basically at the moment I’m just a dog sitter for them whilst they are away!

Wednesday the 19th is also the year anniversary of my grandad’s death and my grandad was my absolute world! 

So with all the other problems I have going on I have basically been left to deal with it by myself!

Thank god I have my amazing boyfriend and beautiful daughter to support me and to love me, and be there for me! 

I mean the day before they left they said to my partner that they can’t be there for me and my grandma. 

Don’t get me wrong I love my grandma and I know she needs support but so do I and the only person I have is my amazing partner but he has to be there for all my problems, all my brakedowns, all my mood swings, all my unstableness, all my self harm , all my suicidal thoughts. He has to take on everything!

I don’t know how I’m going to be on the 19th but it would have been nice to have all my family to support me!

I haven’t even let myself grieve properly for my grandad because I don’t want him to be gone! He was the only person in my blood family who loved me for me, who defended me, who always had faith in me, who supported me without making me feel guilty, he was my hero!

Apparently my Aunty who I hardly ever speak too in person or on the phone is going to ring me on the 19th! 

Why what’s the point!!

I will have lee and my baby girl who are in my life every single day! I don’t need people who are just ringing me to make sure I’m still alive!

Well I don’t want fake family! Family who only care when my partner points it out!

So do you know what they can all go f*ck themselves!

They don’t know or even try understand my mental illness and generally just make it worse or trigger me!

They don’t even try!

Least my partner tries! I’m lucky to have him because if I didn’t and I don’t have my grandad I would have nobody!

I would prefer to be dead than not have my partner because then I would literally have nobody to have my back!

Thanks for reading

Good night/ morning

Xx