Benefit assessment today!

Hiyyah Everyone

So today I had my benefit assessment to “prove” that I’m not well enough, that I’m not faking.

Why would you want to fake this illness. I know people do which is why we have to prove how poorly we are but they wouldn’t last a day in our shoes.

Having to fight suicidal thoughts everyday, having to self harm to be able to cope, not knowing how you are going to wake up. 

If your going to wake up happy or sad but it dosen’t matter what mood I wake up in because it switches so often and I have no warning and no control of it.

If I was well enough I would work! I have worked! I have worked my arse off then my mental illness became unbearable.

But as soon as I feel like I can work I will start looking. It may not be for a long while but when I am stable (i was going to say well but with this illness all I can be is stable) I will but right now I am very unstable.

I mean I just wish people who faked having mental health problems just to not have to work would actually have to experience what it is like just for one day!

Not every minute, every hour, every second of the 365 days a year we live. 

Like we have to do!

Everyone’s mental health problems are different but the people who pretend to suffer with it and I mean suffer is the reason why we have to fight so hard for the help we need! 

We basically have to prove we are poorly without having a visible illness… well apart from the self harm scars!

It just annoys me that because I look well with make up on (i look half dead without lol) people don’t understand how poorly I am.

Even the person who did my assesment (she was actually a nurse and not just someone who judges you for benefits) was worried about me and seemed shocked at what I have to go through daily with my borderline personality disorder, OCD, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and much more! 
I know it’s not just me who feels this way! Surely!

???

Let me know how you feel about this.

Thanks for reading

Enjoy the sunshine this afternoon!

Xx

My little ray of sunshine xx

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No concentration at all!

Hiyyah Everyone 

So does this happen to any of you?

I can literally be sat watching a programme or a movie and if anyone asks me anything about it It’s like I’ve not even been watching it.

I don’t take anything in, my mind is just busy and dosen’t take anything in.

It dosen’t matter how good the programme/ movie is it is like I have never watched it.

I can sit and watch a programme with my boyfriend and he will talk to me about it and I will just be like “oh I didn’t see that” 

Or.

I will watch the same programme at least three times and my boyfriend says you’ve already watched this and I’m sure I havent.

But then he tells me what is going to happen next and it usually happens.

It’s not to do with my memory… although that’s not fantastic it’s just I can’t concentrate. 

My mind is so busy thinking of everything that I just can’t take any information in.

It’s sad but it’s my life!

Does anybody else have thus problem who suffers with borderline personality disorder or any mental health problems? 

Thanks for reading 

Good night 

Xx 

Living life with body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

Hiyyah Everyone.

So this is not something I regularly write about just because I don’t really like opening up about this part of my life.

But I’m getting worse!

I was doing ok with this part of my life but now I am going down hill again!

I used to eat then make myself sick, then I went to just not eating, then I went to eating very little to making people believe I was eating then working out like crazy!

I’m now currently eating but I am never still but because I am eating I feel and look like I am gaining weight every second of the day. . Although people are telling me I’ve lost a lot of weight.

I don’t believe this I think they are just saying this to make me feel better but it dosen’t because I know they are lying to me!

I can feel my eating disorder starting to take over my brain again, the thoughts are getting stronger and I’m loosing control.

I look in the mirror and I am disgusted with what I see. I hate everything about me and I just wish I was dead.

I feel so horrible and awful because I don’t want this life for my baby girl so I try so hard to not beat myself up or self harm around her but sometimes I don’t even realise I’m doing it.

I just feel like when I am starting to get slight control it comes back and rips that control away from me and replaces it with hate for myself, for food just for everything and there is nothing I can do!

I just feel so alone because I can’t get help for it because I’m not thin enough so they won’t help me and I have no fight left to fight this.

I think this could be the end of me because I’m struggling with my borderline personality disorder and know my ED and BD has come back with a bang and I dont know what to do!

Thanks for reading 

Good night 

Xx

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Why do people always expect more?

Hiyyah Everyone 

So I was wondering if this just happens to us or if this happens to anyone else.

So Milly is now 14 months old and isn’t walking yet but she was born 4 weeks early and was tiny. 

I mean she is still tiny. We call her our little pocket rocket because she is tiny but she has a huge personality.

Anyway back to what I was talking about.

So when we go anywhere, I mean anywhere and thos is since milly was about 6 weeks old her development has never been good enough for people including family.

For example we would get asked is she smiling yet and we would say no not yet and instantly we would and still get shouldn’t she be doing that by now.

Milly didn’t sit up unsupported  until she was around 9 months old but then as soon as she did we would get from family is she crawling yet?

Strangers would as k how old she is and when she turned 6 months it was is she crawling yet?

I was like No she can’t even sit up on her own yet! You do know children develop at different times.

Then at 11 months Milly started to crawl and then instantly it was is she walking yet?

I just want to enjoy and celebrate the fact that she is crawling but then it’s like are we doing something wrong? Should she be walking?

 Then I start to feel like a terrible mummy because I was so poorly for the first 11 months of milly’s life and I’m still not that stable now that I wonder if it’s my fault her development is slower.

I feel terrible because she has missed out on being around other babys because I can’t leave the house alone or go to groups so maybe that has slowed her physical development.

This is not helped by me being constantly told that she is over a year now and that she should be walking.

What next! Will she be expected to hold a conversation with people at 15 months.

It is really hard being a parent and it is extremely hard being a parent with mental health problems and then what makes it harder is when other people get involved and tell you what your child should be doing.

Does this just happen to us well mainly me or do you all get this?

Because this really does affect my borderline personality disorder and my general mental health because when I’m feeling really good I think I’m doing a good job but as soon as someone brings up what she should be doing makes me feel like a complete failure as a mummy and makes me feel suicidal.

Thanks for reading.

Would love any opinions on this please.

Good night 

Xx

Bad row with my partner last night!

Hiyyah Everyone 

Last night me and my partner got into a big row all because I jokingly said he was lazy. (Which sometimes he is, aren’t we all) 

But I had no idea at all what he was so mad about! I didn’t think I did anything wrong .

Actually at first I thought he was joking but he wasn’t.

He was that pissed off I thought I am not going to cry infront of you I don’t even know what I have done wrong.

And he wouldn’t speak to me which then pissed me off.

So I went downstairs to cry and then I started watching tv and thought I would sleep downstairs but it was too cold.

So I went back to bed and I tried asking him so many times what I had done and he wouldn’t speak to me.

Then a few hours later he went for a cig and came back in and says do you know why I was angry?

I replied I have no Idea to be honest!

He said you called me lazy when I try really hard. I said it was a joke I said you was lazy because you wouldn’t go downstairs and get the baby monitor that you said you would bring up.

He said the way you said it didn’t sound like a joke and you have picked at me all day!

I said sorry and that I didn’t realise I was doing that but it’s part of my illness but all I can say is I’m sorry.

All I could say was I’m sorry and that I didn’t realise that I was being a bitch basically. 

But I don’t know I’m doing it and thats scary because I’m lucky that my partner is quite understanding.

 I mean maybe not yesterday but everyone has a breaking point don’t they.

I mean we are fine now but I’m just worried that my borderline personality disorder is going to tear my little family apart.

I’m scared!

I’m scared and I have no control of my emotions and that is scary! 

Thanks for reading 

Night 

Xx

Today has been a bad one!

Hiyyah Everyone 

So today has been a terrible day for me first I nearly set the house on fire and then I smashed my phone screen.

So how I nearly set the house on fire is we had a toastie machine to make toasties to save money and then I went and broke it as usual as I break and f*ck up everything.

So what happend is I was making milly a toastie for her lunch and I didn’t realise as I shut the toaster the electric cord was in the toastie maker too so that then began to cook but I hadn’t noticed.

I didn’t notice until the whole house fused.

Actually that is a lie i still didn’t notice I only noticed when the whole house fused a second time and the toastie machine blow up.

I opened it to check on the toastie that’s when I saw the wire was cooked. So now the toastie machine obviously dosen’t work anymore but luckily the house isn’t on fire or burnt down otherwise we definitely wouldn’t be getting our bond back.

Then after all that drama I only go and drop my phone as im strapping Milly into her carseat.

Picked it up got in the car and realised I have cracked my screen fan- f*cking-tastic. 

I can’t afford to get it fixed not only that I can’t upgrade until july so I will just have to deal with it and hope it dosen’t get worse.
It’s only 16.40pm and all this has happend in the space of a couple of hours so god knows what is going to happen next.

They say bad things come in three’s but usually for me bad things just continue to happen they don’t just stop at three.

Anyway I hope your day is going better than mine.

Thanks for reading.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

Xx

Also if any of you are on instagram please feel free to follow me @clumsygalhannah and Milly @millymou_16 who’s account is run by me.

Thanks again 

Xx

Phsycology?

Hiyyah Everyone 

So for the past month or so I have been seeing a phsycologist on an off for an assessment to see if this kind of therapy would be good for me.

We dicided after a few sessions that it would be good for me but it is going to hurt (mentally and emotionally not physically) and we had to see if it would destabilise me.

Which it kind of did but not to the point of going to hospital but luckily I have my partner and my CPN to talk to.

Although we have decided that this kind of therapy would be good for me and my mental illness and it should help with trying to understand my BPD.

The thing is there is going to be at least a 6 month wait and that is just an estimate it could be a lot longer.

That’s not the therapists fault or the NHS’s fault that is the government’s fault because they don’t take mental health problems seriously.

They say they do but we never see anything to come out of it.

 The thing is waiting 6 months can have a terrible effect on anyones mental health.

I’m not saying I deserve help more than anyone else I’m just saying it’s ridiculous that we have to wait at least 6 months for help.

Speaking from experience by the time I eventually get the treatment my mental health has got so much worse I then can’t cope with the therapy so I am then just stuck in a vicious circle.

We can’t afford to go private like many others can’t so I will just have to wait and hope that things don’t get worse.

To Anyone else waiting we will wait together and hope for the best.

Thanks for reading 

Enjoy your Sunday afternoon.

Xx