So today I finally had that moment with my baby girl after nearly 14 months I finally felt that rush of unconditional love towards her and I think she felt it too.
When I gave birth to Milly I didn’t get that rush of love ,my partner did, my mum did actually my whole family did but not me… I felt nothing.
I didn’t get the feeling that people talk about, that people expect you to get but you can’t tell people that, you can’t tell people you don’t love your child.
It breaks my heart now and it did back then but then I felt worthless and useless and I just felt like an awful human being.
I used to tell myself “what kind of mother dosen’t love her child” I wanted to be dead!
Why would I want to be alive when I can’t even love my own child! I can’t even bond with my own baby. I felt absolutely worthless.. but I also felt alone.
I have suffered with mental health issues most of my life but I had never felt anything like this and it only got worse.
I went through the motions of being a loving mummy and around people I had to be the mummy who adored her baby.. but inside I was dead… I felt nothing.
I had nights and days and days and nights of crying hysterically, breaking down, becoming angry with myself and my partner. I just felt so alone.
Then we moved into our own house because we stayed at my parents for the first few months of milly’s life and I got A new CPN, a CPN that listened and wanted to help.
My CPN then arranged for me to do baby massage at home because of my anxiety I won’t leave the house to go to groups so the nursery nurse came to the house and she was lovely.
I did baby massage with milly daily and I wouldn’t say it made us bond any quicker but we slowly… very slowly started getting a bit closer.
Then in April when milly was 4 months old my grandad passed away. My grandad was my entire world and that knocked me back and I was ready to commit suicide. I had it planned and everything.
But after a lot of hard work we started to bond but this wasn’t until milly was around 11 months old.
So after an whole 11 months of Milly being in this world we finally started to bond but it was only a little bond, just a spark of a bond but that spark gave me a bit of hope.
Although we had started to bond the feeling of love was still not there and I felt like a complete failure.. why didn’t I feel love for my child? I didn’t understand we had come so far but I still didn’t love my child.
I felt worthless an utter and complete failure as a person. I felt milly would be better of without me.
I mean who wants a mummy who can’t love them. No matter how hard I tried I didn’t get that rush of love.
That love that you would die for your child but I didn’t get that. I felt nothing.
Writing this does break my heart but this is what post natal depression does to you!
This is why you should be offered help as soon as you show any signs of post natal depression and not judged but helped.
Milly is now 13 months old and today I finally felt that love… that love I had been desperate to feel. I finally felt it and I think she felt it too.
I felt it was important to share this with you because I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. I wanted it all to be over and I was sure it would never end.
I’m not going to lie to you all I do have borderline personality disorder so this didn’t help but although I have this fight daily. I feel like I have finally beaten my post natal depression.
Like I said it took me over a year and I don’t know if I am completely over it but
what I do know is it will get better!.
Please believe me when I say this because I thought it wouldn’t but it has.
Like my other mental issues need a lot of work but all I want you to know is that post natal depression feels like it will never end but it does.
It takes a long time but it will get better.
I am here for anyone who needs to talk. I am not here to judge anyone because I know how you feel but I also know how alone you feel when you feel this way.
So please talk to someone don’t keep it all inside because thats what I did and still do and then you just can’t cope anymore. It just eats away at you!
You don’thave to talk to me but talk to someone you trust.
Thanks for reading about my struggle with postnatal depression I really appreciate it.