I finally had that moment today!

Hiyyah Everyone.

So today I finally had that moment with my baby girl after nearly 14 months I finally felt that rush of unconditional love towards her and I think she felt it too.

When I gave birth to Milly I didn’t get that rush of love ,my partner did, my mum did actually my whole family did but not me… I felt nothing.

I didn’t get the feeling that people talk about, that people expect you to get but you can’t tell people that, you can’t tell people you don’t love your child.

It breaks my heart now and it did back then but then I felt worthless and useless and I just felt like an awful human being.

I used to tell myself “what kind of mother dosen’t love her child” I wanted to be dead!

 Why would I want to be alive when I can’t even love my own child! I can’t even bond with my own baby. I felt absolutely worthless.. but I also felt alone.

I have suffered with mental health issues most of my life but I had never felt anything like this and it only got worse.

I went through the motions of being a loving mummy and around people I had to be the mummy who adored her baby.. but inside I was dead… I felt nothing.

I had nights and days and days and nights of crying hysterically, breaking down, becoming angry with myself and my partner. I just felt so alone.

Then we moved into our own house because we stayed at my parents for the first few months of milly’s life and I got A new CPN, a CPN that listened and wanted to help.

My CPN then arranged for me to do baby massage at home because of my anxiety I won’t leave the house to go to groups so the nursery nurse came to the house and she was lovely.

I did baby massage with milly daily and I wouldn’t say it made us bond any quicker but we slowly… very slowly started getting a bit closer.

Then in April when milly was 4 months old my grandad passed away. My grandad was my entire world and that knocked me back and I was ready to commit suicide. I had it planned and everything. 

But after a lot of hard work we started to bond but this wasn’t until milly was around 11 months old.

So after an whole 11 months of Milly being in this world we finally started to bond but it was only a little bond, just a spark of a bond but that spark gave me a bit of hope.

Although we had started to bond the feeling of love was still not there and I felt like a complete failure.. why didn’t I feel love for my child? I didn’t understand we had come so far but I still didn’t love my child.

I felt worthless an utter and complete failure as a person. I felt milly would be better of without me.

I mean who wants a mummy who can’t love them. No matter how hard I tried I didn’t get that rush of love.

That love that you would die for your child but I didn’t get that. I felt nothing.

Writing this does break my heart but this is what post natal depression does to you!

 This is why you should be offered help as soon as you show any signs of post natal depression and not judged but helped.

Milly is now 13 months old and today I finally felt that love… that love I had been desperate to feel. I finally felt it and I think she felt it too.

I felt it was important to share this with you because I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. I wanted it all to be over and I was sure it would never end.

I’m not going to lie to you all I do have borderline personality disorder so this didn’t help but although I have this fight daily. I feel like I have finally beaten my post natal depression.

Like I said it took me over a year and I don’t know if I am completely over it but 

what I do know is it will get better!. 

Please believe me when I say this because I thought it wouldn’t but it has.

Like my other mental issues need a lot of work but all I want you to know is that post natal depression feels like it will never end but it does.

It takes a long time but it will get better.

I am here for anyone who needs to talk. I am not here to judge anyone because I know how you feel but I also know how alone you feel when you feel this way. 

So please talk to someone don’t keep it all inside because thats what I did and still do and then you just can’t cope anymore. It just eats away at you!

You don’thave to talk to me but talk to someone you trust.

Thanks for reading about my struggle with postnatal depression I really appreciate it.

Good night 

Xx 

My baby has been accepted for Child modelling.

Hiyyah Everyone.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while my mental health  has been really bad but I’m a little bit better than I was.

So I am really into photography and editing photo’s and I have been taking photos of my daughter of course, as usual lol.

I decided the other day I would apply Milly for some modeling agency and she did better than I expected. 

I mean obviously I think she is beautiful but she is my daughter and I am very biased.

So when I then recieved one agency wanting Milly I was Happy, then two I was really happy, then three I was so excited and then when we got a 4th I couldn’t believe it.

The thing is now we have to decide what agency to put her with. I want an agency that understands that she is only one. I don’t want her to have to grow up I just want her to have fun whilst doing it.

I know some people don’t agree with child modelling but the thing is if she dosen’t like it she won’t do it. 

We won’t continue to do it if she dosen’t like it. I mean she loves having her photo taken but this is a bit of a different situation but we will see how it go’s.

I’m actually really worried about my mental health if it will be ok because I don’t want to be the reason my daughter can’t go to castings or shoots because the guilt would kill me.

I mean there are other people who can take her but I would want to be there to make sure she is safe but not want to be there because of my anxiety.

I’m constantly battling it’s like two people being in my head arguing with each other all day everyday. 

If there are any parents of child models reading this I would love your opinion

Thanks for  reading 

Night 

Xx 

Aww my little miss had her one year injections today. (Poor baby )

Hiyyah Everyone 
So Milly had her injections today last ones until she is about two and a half thank god!

I would never not take her for her injections (well I made her dad come and hold her) because I’m not too good with needles but I don’t want to put that on her.

I hate seeing my baby scream in pain and I would take the pain if I could but I know how important her having the injections is.

But when the nurse told me she was having four injections it broke my heart, she had to have two in her right leg, one in her arm and one in her left leg. 

It was awful but so important.

I know when milly had her first injections I got a bit of grief for her having them from some people.

I’m not judging people who don’t get there child vaccinated that is there choice but I feel that if they didn’t need these injections they wouldn’t give them to our children.

I mean yes four injections is a lot and it’s not nice but if it gives your baby a fighting chance to beat these horrible illnesses if god forbid they ever got them then I would never risk that.

I mean Milly cried well screamed whilst she had them but about a minute later she was fine and happily eating her crisp.

Like I said before it’s each individual parents choice but I personally would NEVER not get my baby vaccinated.

I don’t know if it is the law in the UK to have your baby vaccinated, I don’t think it is I think it is just highly recommended that you do.

I would like to know if there is any countries that it is law that you have to have your baby vaccinated.

What do you think do you think it should be law or not?

I’m undecided but I’m edging towards that it should be law!

Thanks for reading.

Good night 

Xx

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders 

Hiyyah Everyone.

So the news we have all been waiting for, well I have been waiting for my partners brother has finally moved out! 

He has got his own place that is really nice and we have our 3rd room back! Well not just our 3rd room our home, our life and our little family.

So hopefully now he has gone and is having to live in the real world hopefully he will treat me better but the good thing is now he dosen’t live in our house I have a place to escape to.

Instead of feeling I have nowhere to go, no home where I feel safe I now feel like I have a safety place again instead of dreading coming home I know I will be safe.

I didn’t really understand how much I dreaded coming home when my partners brother lived here until now.

Now he has gone and I honestly feel like I can breath without being worried to breath without getting verbally attacked. I can make mistakes without being made fun of and never be able to forget it.

I am also hoping that now my partners brother has gone mine and my partners relationship will become better and stronger like it was before.

It has been a long time.. well 5 months but it has felt like he has been here for about 10 years and that is no exaggeration!

Mentally this is what I needed and hopefully it will help my daily suicidal thoughts calm down again but we will see.

I didn’t think I would feel so much relief from him leaving this morning but it’s amazing how people have such a bad effect on your life without you really realising.

This is a hard one tho as it’s family so it’s not like I will never see him again as he is milly’s uncle so I’m hoping that he changes towards me but if not my partner will just have to take his neice to see him.

I say this and I mean it but weather I’m strong enough to stick too it I don’t know.

Thanks for reading.

Have a nice afternoon.

Xx