A first your called miserable and then your called a liar! 

Hiyyah Everyone.

So I’ve just been basically verbally abused by my boyfriend’s brother but my boyfriend said it was my fault!

How is it my fault?

So everyone else is allowed to feel sh*t and act like they feel shit but not me!

 I can’t because if I do I get asked and told that I’m miserable all the time, why am I so miserable? Im such a miserable person. I’m so negative, I’m so mean, I’m stupid, I’m a liar!

I am called many things and I’m used to it but I AM NOT A LIAR! I will not be called a liar and I will not have my daughter being told I am a liar and that her mummy is so miserable.

She may only be one but she isn’t stupid she picks up on everything.

And do you know what I probably am miserable because all I ever get is put down and made fun of by people who are supposed to love and care about me.

I feel like nobody understands that I have borderline personality disorder and nobody is willing to learn and accept it.

Because I put a smile on my face and try “get on with it” nobody cares but then if my mask slips I am called miserable or asked whats wrong or told that there are people much worse off than me.

Trust me I know there are people worse off than me and there are people better off than me but mental illness dosen’t discriminate.

People who don’t have mental illness say oh yes the stigma is getting better now you don’t get looked down on for having a mental illness…

 yes you do! Everyone judges you people you have known years turn against you, your parents and family question you and you feel they don’t believe you.

So instead of telling people I hide it, I let it eat away at me until there is nothing left for it to eat away at.

There is nothing left of me anymore I am just an empty shell, I smile on the outside but I am dead on the inside!

I spend my days just wishing that today is my last day and it could be or it would be if I knew my baby would be looked after like I look after her every day.

If I am being totally honest if I knew milly was going to looked after and raised how I would like her to be I would have been dead yesterday.

I want milly to be happy and have a happy life. I’m not deluded I know she will have ups and downsin life but I think if she is around me she may become like me and I really don’t want that for her!

Thanks for reading 

Good night 

Xx

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What a sh*t week it’s been!

Hiyyah Everyone.

So from last friday I have been physically unwell I have had a viral infection and an ear infection and a awful cough and pain in my chest.

But I have still got up everyday and looked after my daughter basically by myself.

 Then my partner got the same thing on Wednesday and he has literally slept most of the days. I didn’t have that luxury because someone had to look after our daughter didn’t they and obviously I’m very easy to walk all over.

I was supposed to start seeing a psychiatrist last Wednesday but I was so unwell I had to make an emergency doctors appointment so couldn’t go.

So now I am starting that on Tuesday which I am really scared about but hopefully it will help me not only learn to deal with my moods and triggers but also become a stronger person and not let everyone walk all over me because I’m scared of being alone.

I also had my car  MOT yesterday and obviously with my luck it failed but it didn’t cheaply fail it failed to the point of costung me like nearly  £700 to fix.

I don’t have that kind of money but I need my car so I have had to go to my mum and dad and ask them to help me out again! 

I hate asking for help especially when it comes to money but what I hate more is when it is thrown back in your face.

If your going to help, then help! Don’t mention it all the time. We are doing our best to pay it off over time and family should help family.

I am not going to lie we owe them a lot of money but we are taking the dogs for them so they don’t have to put them in kennels and instead of paying us rhey are just taking the money off what we owe them.

But

There is always a slight dig and I’ve always had that and I’ve always just accepted it but it really effects me. It makes me feel useless. A complete failure and I can’t take it much longer.

I let everyone in my life walk all over me and make a mug of me and i let them get there own way and get away with treating me like shit.

 I never stand up for myself and when I do I just get shouted down or made to feel guilty. I can’t take much more. It makes me wish I was dead.

I just hope seeing a psychiatrist helps me become a stronger person and not have to rely on other people and get used for what they want.

If this dosen’t work and help it will be the death of me because I can’t live a life like this for much longer!

Thanks for reading 

 good night 

Xx

Help me decide!

Hiyyah Everyone.

When I was 15 and had left school my parents got me a rescue puppy which I trained, walked, fed did everything for then I became very ill and I couldn’t do it anymore.

It didn’t happen quite like that it slowly became harder and harder to do thing for her and we didn’t just have her we had two other dogs at the time which sadly have now passed.

My mum then got a pug and he was so naughty and he stressed me out even more.

Kaila my dog who lives with my mum and dad couldn’t come with me when I moved in with my boyfriend because he wasn’t allowed pets.

I then fell Pregnant and I was so stressed out and so unwell that I couldn’t handle the dogs at all they was too much but that was mainly because of my mums pug.

Don’t get me wrong arthur the pug is cute he is just really naughty and kaila sort of got pushed out. Not pushed out physically just attention wise arthur always gets the attention apart from when me and my partner are there.

Kaila loves my partner and he loves her and my daughter loves the dogs and kaila is so good with milly.

I don’t care what dog it is I would never leave it in a room with milly  (well any child) unsupervised ever!

Yesterday and Monday we had kaila and arthur for the day and the usually anxious kaila was so calm and so relaxed.

She didn’t go near milly’s toys apart from milly’s giant pink dog but she didn’t play with it she just snuggled up next to it… arthur kept going for Milly’s toys.

Kaila literally just sits or lays next to milly and lets her stroke her arthur just runs away but now she can crawl so she chases him. So we had to lock him in the kitchen to avoid him getting frustrated.

My mum asked us if we wanted kaila to live with us but I’m not sure if I do we said that they would have to provide the food and the medical care because we can barely afford to feed ourselves let alone a dog.

She said they would pay for that but I just don’t know it could go either way it could help me feel safer or it could stress me out even more.

I just don’t know what to do! What is best for our little family.

I’m not making a decision yet because I am mentally not well but im physically unwell and I just can’t make a big decision like that yet because it is a big decision.

I would love to hear your opinions on this.

What would you do?

Yes or no to the dog and a one year old?

Thanks for reading.

Enjoy the rest of your day 

Xx

When you feel like sh*t but have to carry on because you have a baby!

Hiyyah Everyone 

So not only am I mentally wrecked at the moment I am now physically unwell too.

I’m so stressed out and so run down that not only have I been a bitch to my partner without even realising until he mentioned it this morning.

Yesterday I started with a really chesty cough and I am pretty certain that I am also getting tonsillitis again! I get it so often I know when it’s starting!

I feel like sh*t my temperature is up and down but what hasn’t helped is my partners brother complaining about my coughing keeping him awake all night.

Does he not realise that I haven’t slept much either and I have had the pain of this all night.

He is so selfish that if it’s not him who is poorly he dosen’t care he just complains.

I don’t give out sympathy except to my baby girl so I don’t expect it back. 

What I do expect is for the people who live in this house to help me out more but No! 

I still have to do everything even when I’m not well where as when other people aren’t well in this house I do let them rest and help them out but obviously I don’t get the same treatment.

I still have to look after my daughter which I understand but I am not the only person in this house my partner which is Milly’s dad is here and her uncle one of them could help.

Last night I was literally up with milly every hour. They say sleep is the best medicine that’s why I never get better because nobody ever helps me.

To be fair this morning my partner had to go coach his team in a match but milly’s uncle was here and he just complained at me! 

I can tell you now that he will come home and he won’t do anything apart from play his game on his phone.

If he helps me out I will eat my words and I will do an update.

But If he doesn’t and he does what  I expect him to do then there will be no update and that is how you will know.

Thanks for reading 

Enjoy your Afternoon 

Xx

When you feel anxious all the time

Hiyyah Everyone 

Sometimes your the only people I feel I can turn too when I feel this way.

So the only place I used to feel safeish well less anxious was in my home, my house, my only comfort was my home.

Not anymore…

Ever since my partners brother moved in this was nearly 5 months ago now I have become more and more anxious in my own home.

I have no safe place anymore! I hate going out but at least I knew that I had somewhere I felt safe to come home now I have nowhere.

I feel so alone and lost because I have no place anymore as soon as I know I have to go home I become anxious and as I get closer I dread walking through that door.

He isn’t physical with me or anything he just criticises me, complains at me, pecks at me until I’m so worn down I either cry or get angry.

I want him out of this house but apparently I’m being unfair by asking him to leave. 

He is 27 years old and he isn’t my responsibility he is his own responsibility I feel he is here to make my life hell.

I do his washing for him, when we make tea we make him tea, when we ask him well mainly I ask him to do something for us it dosen’t happen.

I ask him to vac up he can’t even do that.

I honestly feel like he pushes and pushes so I kick him out and then it will be my fault not his.

Because nothing is ever his f*cking fault it’s always my fault always and I can’t take much more.. actually anymore. I’m done.

He just beats me down (not physically) mentally I can’t take anymore I’m at the point where I feel I would be better off dead!

I self harm as a way of coping that’s not helped. I just think everyone would be better without me.

My partner can look after our daughter his brother will be happy because he thinks it’s just me that wants him out.

It’s not but thats what he believes and I honestly think he is either trying to split me and my partner up so he can stay here or get me put in hospital because of my mental state.

The thing he dosen’t realise is if that me and my partner did split up (hopefully we won’t) that I would stay here  with milly and he would go so if his brother goes so is he.

I even said the other day that if he stays longer than the end of this month I will go stay at my mum and dads with milly because I can’t take anymore.

Then I have had a bit of issue with my parents so I don’t know what I would do.

I don’t expect anyone to reply to this I just needed to get it off my chest.

Thanks for reading 

Good night 

Xx

My baby girl took her first steps the day after her 1st birthday!

Hiyyah Everyone.

So as a change for me and my blog this is actually a happy post! (I know your all shocked)

So some of you will know my baby girl turned one on tueday and with her birthday present of a pram walker and baby she took her first steps!

We were the proudest parents ever!
I mean to be honest I wasn’t expecting it at all and then she did it.

I mean she is only just starting to learn so it’s not walking it’s just a few steps but honestly I was so suprised when she did it I couldn’t speak.

Here is the video. Its not long but it’s cute! 

You have followed me through my 1st year of parenting mostly the bad so you deserve to see the good.

Excuse my annoying voice in the video.

Thanks for reading and watching and thank you for celebrating the good moments with me and being there for the bad moments.

Unfortunately after this happened my mood has switched and I am currently on a downward spiral with my mental health unfortunately and since late tuesday, early Wednesday I’ve been a total mess.

Luckily my CPN is coming Tuesday so hopefully she can help!

Thank you for reading 

Night 

Xx

This has to be the craziest news stories I have ever read (link in blog)

Hiyyah Everyone 

So I had to write a blog on this story that I read this morning it is that ridiculous I honestly didn’t believe it was real… but it is.

So the headline of this news story was 3 year old sentenced to life in prison.

So I originally thought as I’m sure most people did this cannot be true but it is an this poor little 3 year old was being accused of murder.

Well it gets worse but he is not only accused of one murder or two murders but three murders. 

They had a manhunt looking for a 3 year old who supposedly murdered 3 people when he was 16 months old and had only just worked out how to walk.

Now first of all why did it even get to the point of having a manhunt for a 3 year old? 

Secondly it gets even worse because the Egyptian police actually believe that this 3 year old actually committed 3 murders and caused a scene at a rally.

Ok so some how this kid got out, went to a rally, caused a scene then murdered 3 people all without his parents knowing.

This poor kid and father had been hiding from the police so his kid didn’t get sent to jail for life and it wasn’t even him!

I mean I know you are all shocked that a 3 year old didn’t murder 3 people but in fact he just had the same name as the 16 year old who actually committed the murders.

So I mean we all have our own opinions of our police but there is stupid and then there is Egyptian police! 

The whole artical is in this link:

http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/three-year-old-sentenced-life-prison/
Please read this and let me know what you think?

I think it is absolutely ridiculous what that poor family has been put through.

What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading 

Goodnight 

Xx

Photo because it’s cute xx