Facing a massive fear for my daughter 

Hiyyah Everyone.

This post is a few days late because it happened on Saturday night with a bit of a push from my partner but it has taken me 2 days to calm down from it.

To a lot of people this will mean nothing but for me this was a huge achievement because what I faced was one of my biggest fears form being a toddler.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still absolutely petrified but I did it for my baby girl.

We went to watch the lights switch on where my mum and dad live and it’s a little village, very cute it’s  name is Slaithwaite.

You probably haven’t heard of it because to be honest until they moved there I had never heard of it either.

But anyway back to the Christmas lights switch on it was surprisingly very good but the most strange and for me petrifiying thing was the fact that Pikachu switched on the lights.

The reason it was so scary for me was I have a huge fear of people dressed up in costumes even if I know them.

I didn’t know Pikachu personally so I find that a lot worse honestly I was close to passing out.

I then saw my daughters face light up when she saw Pikachu and at first I was adamant I was not going over and that my partner would have to take her. 

I then saw how excited she got and how much she wanted to go over it brike my heart that I was holding her back.

So with a lot and I mean a hell of a lot of persuasion me, milly and my partner slowly went over my heart was racing so much I wanted to cry.  

But Milly absolutely loved it and I did it!

I’m not in any rush to do it again anytime soon but I really want her to see Santa.

She did see santa at the light switch on but he was grumpy and didn’t even interact with her .

I know everyone loves santa but I don’t. I really don’t like santa. 

The thing is until now I’ve never had to face santa but I don’t want Milly to have my fears.

I want her to enjoy life! 

I mean being a child, being young, exploring, going on adventures.

I want her to travel, make new friends and not be scared of living.

Because when your young you want to become an adult, when you become an adult it’s shit and you want to be a child again.

Anyway back to what I was saying before I got side tracked I asked my dad to take a few photos!

I’m glad it was dark tho because if you could see my eyes you would see fear!

It’s honestly amazing what you will do for your kids!
What fears have you all faced for your babies and children ?

Thanks for reading 

Good night 

Xx

Why do I bother trying to help people!

Hiyyah Everyone 

When will I learn?

Although my partners brother is a disrespectful jerk to me most of the time I still tried to help him out!

He is wanting to find his own place and trust me when I say we want him to find his own place ASAP.

So although he is mean to me all the time I still wanted to help him find a nice place and I know someone who rents.

It also turns out that our landlord and landlady are looking to buy another property to rent and they are super nice and super good.

So I tried my best to sort out what he wants, where he wants, basically everything he wants and what do I get?

Not a thanks, not a I really appreciate it. Nope! instead I got complaints and him saying that he isn’t just going to move into the first place.

I said to him that they are looking for a place that is exactly what he wants.

But I am regretting it now because it’s going to look bad on me when he either lets them down on complains.

He honestly dosen’t live in the real world I have pretty much got him a fully furnished 2 bed house for £450- £500 a month rent and he complains abou that.

I asked him where he wanted to live and told them then when we got back today he was changing his mind.

He thinks the world revolves around him and I am sick of it!

I don’t want to waste there time when they are looking especially for him.

I even asked if he could pay his bond in instalments and because I know them they said they would sort something for him…. but guess what he isn’t happy with that.

So I’m done!

 Anytime I try to help I try it either gets thrown back in my face or makes me look really  bad  and I’m not doing it anymore!

I have low enough self esteem that I don’t need to be made to look bad because I’m so close to rock bottom that I’m going to just be pushed over the edge.

Then maybe someone would listen and appreciate what I do or try and do for them.

They have no clue how poorly I am. I am so suicidal it’s unreal and this situation has made me feel totally worthless.
I’m done! I know I say that but I think I can’t help myself so I want to help others.

I will only help people who actually appreciate my help because I get so stressed out trying to help everyone when I need to put my little family first!
Thanks for reading 

Have a good day 

Xx

Christmas has arrived and it started with the coke truck!

Hiyyah Everyone 

So who has already trimmed there tree and decorated the house? Me!

To my American followers Happy Thanksgiving for yesterday! 

What got us really in the Christmas spirt was not just putting the Christmas tree up it was seeing milly’s face light up when she saw the Christmas tree.

Then this evening we went to see the coke truck in leeds and it was milly’s first time seeing anything like this.

She loved it! absolutely loved it!

She really loves lights especially twinkling or colourful lights.

I’m not going to lie to you all tho this was an incredibly difficult thing for me to do!

My mental illness was going crazy anxiety was through the roof  and I had a battle going on in my head. 

Should I stay …. Should I go…

I can’t stay….. no stay….

I really want to go…. no look at Milly’s face she is loving it.

There was more and it got worse but I stayed.

I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the support of amazing partner and my beautiful daughter.

My heart rate was through the roof but we got som pictures and went home! 

But…

Before this we had spent around an hour walking around trying to find the big red coke truck.

Which was made more difficult because not only did they have a Christmas market they had a fair too.

There was so many people it was awful. I can honestly feel my heart rate rising as I type.

When we found the coke truck we had to queue for 45 minutes but my partner said I did really well because it was awful but he said that I have to be proud.

We do need to do more things like this with Milly because I want her to experience new things and not be scared like her mummy.

In a way it does make me sad because she probably has missed out but I’m hoping that once I receive more help for my borderline personality disorder and extreme anxiety I will be able to take her to more places with my partner.

So we can do things as a family and all enjoy it instead of going somewhere and me just needing to go or being that scared I don’t enjoy it.

So I am really happy that we got to take her and although it was horrendous for me I will always have those photos to show to Milly.

Thank you so much for reading 

Goodnight xx

Our tree is just missing a star xx

Another day, Another argument!

Hiyyah Everyone 

So those of you who follow my blog will know all about my partners brother living with us and how stressful it has been.

Well it got worse he came home from work the other day and I was making Milly her tea and I asked him not to give her anything.

He went to the fridge and twice tried to give her something that I didn’t want her to have before her tea.

So I lost it and I said do that again and you can go.

He said go where?

(I didn’t reply) 

He says  are you kicking me out?

I said if you do it again.

He then goes on to say you don’t make people feel welcome here do you.

This really pissed me off because this came from the person who basically called us bad parents the previous night.

This is coming from the person who I do all his washing for him. I’ve tried to make him feel as welcome as possible but I’m done.

I mean we even emptied out our 3rd bedroom for him that we was using as storage and put him a bed in there and his tv etc and said he can use that as his room for now.

So if that isn’t being welcoming I don’t know what is.

It just drives me mad he never cleans up after himself and if he put a load of washing on once he wants a friggin medal and round of applause.

I’ve said to him after Christmas we are going to need that room for Milly’s play room as she will have so much with her birthday like 2 weeks after Christmas.

I honestly don’t know if he can stay until after Christmas tho because I’m at my limit.

So my partner told me that I may have over reacted about the feeding milly crap before her tea. (Although that wasn’t the entire issue that was just the straw that broke the camels back)

So I went up to appolagise and I apologised and said I shouldn’t have snapped and he gave me the silent treatment.

So the last two nights have been lovely and quiet for me anyway.

No complaining that I have done something wrong or said something wrong or got something wrong. 

He criticises everything, he has no respect for me and I honestly think that he believes he is helping us and that it’s his house.

That annoys me aswell when I ask him to do something and he goes “well you don’t” or “I will start picking up on everything and pointing it out” (I wouldn’t notice any difference because he does that anyway)

Apparently he is never wrong, he is always right especially about parenting.(He knows nothing about babies) He always says I know people who …………(insert his statement ) ……

I am so mentally unwell my head is totally f*cked up and this is just making me worse.

I honestly don’t know what to do! 

I know that if we ask him to leave he will go around telling people that we kicked him out, that he did nothing but help us, we are bad parents. all that bullsh*t.

I can’t deal with that either. I usually love christmas but I know that he will literally complain about everything I do.

It’s our house! We can do what I like!

He is going to hate it soon because I need to get baby gates tomorrow and they will be put up and possibly the Christmas decorations.

He can’t even remember to close the fridge and that beeps when you don’t close it.

 So I said to him when we get baby gates you need to make sure you close them because if you leave it open and your neice falls down the stairs how bad will you feel.

He said you don’t need to guilt trip me what if you leave it open.

I said yeh we all need to remember but you can’t remember to shut the fridge door at that beeps! 

It’s not just the fridge door that he leaves open he literally leaves the kitchen door and the door to the stairs open no matter how many times I ask him to close it.
What do you think I should do?

Thanks for reading.

Have a good evening.

Xx

Help! We need some baby advice 

Hiyyah Everyone.

We are in a really difficult situation at the moment because we have a teething baby who we are trying to wean.

I don’t know what to do because Milly is in pain with her top teeth coming through so she dosen’t want to eat.

We are kind of giving her more bottles to stop her loosing weight and being hungry.

We do try feed her but she usually takes 3 spoonfuls of food and then starts spitting it out.

 I am worried that if we give her a bottle at mealtimes she will just want a bottle all the time and we will have to start the weaning process all over again.

I just want to know if this is normal. 

Milly is nearly 10.5 months and with her being born early she is small so I don’t want her to loose weight as it has taken her so long to put weight on I would feel awful if she lost it.

She weighs around 16lb now so I am going to weigh her at the end of this week.

I know this would usually be a question for the health visitor but she is a joke and I would like to hear from other parents.

My mind is such a mess anyway and this is just an added stress because this is to do with my babies health…

and there is nothing more important to me than Milly’s health!

So I would really appreciate any advice from anybody but especially parents.

Do we continue try giving her food and if she dosen’t eat it give her a bottle?

Do we just give her a bottle and then food?

Do we do a mixture?

Or

Do we just give her food as an option?

We have no clue what to do, what is best. I know at the end of the day it is our decision but I would just really appreciate some advice.

Thanks for reading.

Enjoy your Afternoon.

Xx

7 months ago today my heart broke!

Hiyyah Everyone

It’s been exactly 7 months today since I lost my grandad and it honestly feels like it was just yesterday!

I know I have said this before but when my grandad passed away my world fell apart and my heart broke into millions and trillions of pieces.

My heart will never be fixed the pieces may slowly be put back together but there will always be a grandad shape peice missing from my heart.

With the Christmas period on it’s way my heart breaks more every day because Christmas is not only my favourite time of year but it was my grandad’s too.

He used to ring ys every christmas morning baring in mind I was 22 last year asking if he has been (meaning Santa)

I just used to laugh and say I will see you soon when I come and pick you up. love you. 

This year is going to be so different!

Not just because my grandad isn’t going to be here but my grandma dosen’t want to spend Christmas with is.

So not only would there be one empty chair we will now have two and it is the two people who mean the world to me and they won’t be there.

I told my grandma last week that grandad loved being with the family especially on Christmas and that he would be so mad if she was on her own. 

I said to her it’s your choice what you do but I don’t want you on your own on Christmas day because not only would grandad be mad at you but he would never forgive me.

It turns out my Aunty and Uncle are going to her house on Christmas day which I’m not happy about but I will have to deal with it.

I mean I really wanted my Grandma to see Milly’s 1st christmas but I know loosing my grandad has effected her in a way that words can’t describe.

She is just so Sad, So Broken and so lost without her soul mate.

Loosing my grandad didn’t just effect our family it effected a lot of families he was 80 and he still had 250 people at his funeral.
That is how amazing and how loved he actually was.

I know he would want us to give Milly the best Christmas and I honestly can’t say what I will be like with a mixture of greiving, borderline personality disorder and everything else.

I may just be a total mess but then I try be starong for everyone else so I honestly can’t say.

What I can honestly say is if any of you had met my grandad he would have made your life brighter, he would have helped if you needed help, he would light up any room that he walked into, he would make you laugh so much that your belly hurt and he didn’t have one bad bone in his body.

(Holding back the tears) 

Thanks for reading 

Enjoy your night 

Xx

Me as a baby with my grandad xxx

From the day I was born we had a bond that couldn’t be broken.

can I just point out I was nearly 9 months pregnant on this which is why my face looks so fat.

My Grandad = My World xxxxxx

I’m not complaining I’m just stating a fact!

Hiyyah Everyone!

So I have a question for you all.

 Why do they always put the baby and children’s clothes, equipment and products upstairs.

Why do shops always do that?

why do they always make everything for parents so difficult.

Because not only do we usually have prams, bags and a baby, we have to all squeeze into a usually very small lift.

Then if someone elderly or disabled needs to get in the lift obviously you let them go first.

Some lifts are literally just big enough to fit a pram in.

I just think surely If these big companies had any common sense they would put the baby stuff on the floor with the easiest access.

But No!

They do not care because all they care about is making money!

 They don’t care if it is an easy and enjoyable experience do they?

Because they know that most parents will do anything for there kids and if they need anything parents will do anything to get them it.

Oh and not only do they put all the baby stuff upstairs but the isles are usually so close together you can barley get a pram down it without nearly knocking everything off the stands.

Which is very embarrassing!

Parents are stressed enough and these big corporate companies don’t make it any easier.

I mean who am I! 

I’m not going to be heard and my opinions are not going to be listend to.

 But this is my opinion as a parent and I would like to know what everybody else thinks.

Do you agree or disagree? 
Thanks for reading 

Good Night

Xx