A meeting with pathways about starting graded exposure.

Hi everyone 

I was supposed to write this earlier. So this afternoon I had a meeting with my new support worker today who is going to do graded exposure with me on a weekly basis. 

Have any of you done graded exposure before to help battle your anxiety?

Did it work for you?

My new support worker seems nice and she is going to go at my own pace and before we even start she is going to come to the house and let me get to know her because I find it incredibly difficult to trust knew people. So until I get to know her I am going nowhere.

I really want to do this because I don’t want Milly to be scared to go out because she picks up on everything and she is only 6 months old. But when she is older I can’t be saying “should we go to the park” for example, and get to the front door and have to say oh no we can’t go now mummy’s too scared to go out. 

Then when she gets older and she has to go to school and I can’t take her because of my anxiety.. what would I do then if nobody else could take her.. she can’t miss school but right now I would have no other choice to not take her.
I mean the poor child has never met any other baby’s and like I said she is 6 months old… I can’t even take my own baby to get weighed someone else has to take her and that brakes me. When she is older she is going to want to do things with me that right now there is no chance. 

So thats why I need to get better for my baby.. well for myself but my baby is my motivation.

Thanks for reading 

Xx

Advertisements

Today’s been an emotional day.

Hiyyah everyone 

I’ve been to see my grandma today and after loosing my grandad in April I just find it incredibly difficult because I think I’ve said before I’m still waiting for my grandad to come back..

so a while ago I asked my grandma for a momento not that I need anything to remember my grandad but I did want something that I could wear or have with me at all times.

So today was the day my grandma decided to give me something of my grandad’s. She gave me two of his watches one that I can wear although it’s a bit big and one that was the one he wore left. And a little house ornament that he used to collect (which I didn’t even know about until today)

So although I am happy to have something of my grandad’s I’m am sad too because it’s a reminder he has gone and I am not ready to believe that… I’m also not willing to believe that. 

I would rather just let myself believe he is coming back.

Night xx

I feel I’m so lost and alone today

Hiyyah everyone 

I feel so alone today.. I feel like nobody has my back.. well apart from my partner but sometimes I just feel everyone is against me… everyone wants me to fail.. especially my family.

Yes thats the family who should always have your back no matter what…The family who should be proud when I am trying to get better .. who should be positive for every step forward I take.. I seem to have a family who want to see me fail.. who don’t believe in me… who put a downer on everything I try do for myself… a family who never has faith in me… who just doesn’t think I’m capable of anything.

This is why today I miss my grandad because he was always proud of me.. he always supported we with everything I did. He was always excited and happy for me no matter how big or small the achievement was. I wish I could just ring him and tell him how hard I am trying.

My grandad was the only person who always had my back, against everyone. He would fight my corner and in a typical Yorkshire way if all else failed he would say “leave the lass alone, she’s doing alrite” and that was the end.

I just wish he was here to give me one of his tight hugs (that nearly broke my ribs and we used to joke about) and tell me everything will be OK! And i just need to prove them wrong.

although lee tries its just not the same.. I just want to give up.. I honestly do.. why do I even bother trying.. no one believes in me anyway.. so whats the point.

I know im greiving but my grandad was my absolute world and i just feel so lost without him.

Sorry it’s a sad one but this is how i feel right now.

Thanks for reading 

Night xx

I’m just tired of everything.

Hiyyah everyone 

I know it’s late but I just need to write this feel free not to read or to read it’s your choice.

Like I said I’m tired of everything, I’m tired of life, I’m tired of living, I’m tired of having to fight daily, I’m tired of hurting, I’m just tired.

I sleep with the help of meds. I wake up I’m still tired. Take more meds. Get on with my day trying to forget how tired I am of living like this… become exhausted take meds.. sleep and repeat.

Instead of living I just exist.. why would I want to continue feeling like this. I love my family and I will always be there for them (hopefully).

Anyone else out there feeling this way?

Thanks for reading 

Goodnight xx

I’m just tired of everything.

Hiyyah everyone 

I know it’s late but I just need to write this feel free not to read or to read it’s your choice.

Like I said I’m tired of everything, I’m tired of life, I’m tired of living, I’m tired of having to fight daily, I’m tired of hurting, I’m just tired.

I sleep with the help of meds. I wake up I’m still tired. Take more meds. Get on with my day trying to forget how tired I am of living like this… become exhausted take meds.. sleep and repeat.

Instead of living I just exist.. why would I want to continue feeling like this. I love my family and I will always be there for them (hopefully).

Anyone else out there feeling this way?

Thanks for reading 

Goodnight xx

A day out with the other half and the mother in law and of course the little one

Hiyyah everyone

So we took the mother in law out today. Well she isn’t really my mother in law because we aren’t married but she is as good as.

We actually get on really well (sorry to disapoint you all) yes we have the odd moment where we disagree but we don’t argue and it’s usually over milly.

But the other half needs new clothes but everytime lee gets new clothes he always wants me to get something. But I’m not in a shopping mood. I hate how I look and I dont feel I deserve new clothes.

The other half deffo deserves new clothes. I mean he puts up with me daily. Going from good to bad in a short space of time with no warning.

He also only has 2 pairs of jeans and one of them is ripped. I hate buying for myself but not for anyone else. I mean before I became really poorly I loved shopping and driving. I now have a mini that I barley drive but I love it and hate shopping most of the time.

Now depending on my mood I either hate shopping etc or go out and spend all my money irresponsibly. See No middle ground.

Anyway we treated the mother in law to lunch in a very quiet cafe and she loves to shop so I do my best to not disapoint her…Well anyone… tbh I am already a disappointment I just try not show it.

Thanks for reading

Enjoy your evening

Xx

image

Self harmed and feeling suicidal

Evening everyone

Sorry its a late one.

So although I have had my meds today i think the past few days with no meds has caught up with me because all i have wanted to do today is sleep and when awake all I wanted to do was self harm and all i could think about is committing suicide.

I mean when I say I self harmed it wasnt anything serious like I have previously done I  just scolded my hand  under the hot tap put im fine. It didn’t even hurt that much tbh. I think im so used to pain that it actually takes a lot for me to feel pain.

The suicidal thoughts keep coming and going but hopefully after taking my second lot of meds i will be knocked out and feel a bit better in the morning… hopefully.

I know its my own fault for not being organised but I honestly didn’t realise I was out until it was too late.

But I’m only human and life sometimes just gets too much. Luckily I have an amazing partner who supports me through the bad and enjoys the good with me.

My borderlinepersonality disorder has been bad today. Very very exteme.

Advice anyone?

Thanks for reading

Night xx

image

image